HIVE- The Parody!
by RecusantMaverick
Summary: Otto is a crazy white haired kid, Wing's a master ninja and knows your lottery numbers, Shelby steals from sweetshops, Laura can see into the future and as for Raven? Well she's the spoiler police. What is going on? A H.I.V.E Parody of course! Not to be taken seriously. Very OOC and random. I do not own H.I.V.E.
1. Chapter 1: A Ninja Can Only Be Seen

Higher Institute Of Villainous Education- The Parody!

It starts in the Shroud, heading H.I. .

Otto Malpense came to in a strange, strange flying machine. He vaguely remembered what had led to him being here. Making the PM do Gangnam Style, then making him do the Harlem Shake, then making him cannonball into the audience and finishing by launching a firework. Good times, thought Otto. Good times.

Otto also remembered a crazy Russian woman who'd pulled a gun on him and gone:

"Say hello to my little friend!"

Otto, being logical, had said,

"What little friend?"

The woman had lost patience and shot him anyway, muttering about kids these days not getting jokes any more, and having no sense of humor, and so on and so forth.

Otto had the sensation that there was someone else in the cabin area. He couldn't see anyone, however. Otto concluded that the person must be a ninja.

"A ninja can only be seen, when he wants to be seen," remembered Otto. Just then, a ninja appeared.

**A/N: I promise the coming chapters will be a lot better! Please tell me if you think I should continue this idea. This is basically an introduction to the idea, the real action starts next chapter, but I wanted to establish the story here as quickly as I could.**

**Eaglistic, signing off.**

.


	2. Chapter 2: Of Ninjas And Elvis

**2: Of Ninjas and Elvis.**

**A/N: The tiny section of lyrics here belong to Europe(Final Countdown). If you have it, listen to it for this chapter if you want. This song may crop up later as well. On with the second completely random H.I.V.E parody chapter**!

"Ninja!" screamed Otto.

The 'ninja' gave Otto a strange glance and muttered something along the lines of 'weirdo' under his breath. Otto ran for the corner, shaking and muttering something along the lines of," OMG it's a ninja!" and, "Be afraid." The 'ninja' sighed and began to count to ten.

"It's the final countdown!" sang Otto," Da dadada, dada da da! Da da dada! Da da dada dada dada!"

The 'ninja' sighed again and facepalmed. Great, he thought. I get brutally abducted, shot three times and transported far from home, and I get to spend my journey with a crazy lunatic who likes to sing Europe songs. Lucky me.

"Ohhh! It's the final countdown! We're leaving together!"

The 'ninja' decided to speak.

"Excuse me, but who are you?" he asked.

"My name is..."

"Yes?"

"Steve."

"Really?" asked the 'ninja'.

"Yep."

"Hmm."

"Nah, it's Otto," said Otto.

"Wait, that name couldn't possibly have been given to you because you were 0110 in some evil AI's experiment, could it?" asked the 'ninja'.

"Of course not!" said Otto.

"Yeah, I thought it was ridiculous," said the 'ninja'," I'm Wing Fanchu, by the way."

"OK, Ninja Wing. Hey, that sounds awesome!" said Otto.

The Shroud descended further, and the pilot came through to order them out. A black jumpsuited dude came to welcome them.

"Yo! Welcome to H.I.V.E!* We don't raise no truthful people in H.I.V.E, and if we do, Raven stabs them in the back with a large katana knife thingy. Damn, forgot my speech there. Oh well, welcome y'all."

"Ohhkayy," said Otto.

Otto and Wing were escorted into the hall by two guards. Otto had tried to high five the guards, but they were having none of it. They entered the mass of assembled recruits. Otto stared at the stage, where a man stood. Otto saw him and ran for him.

Dr Nero, the totally evil head of H.I.V.E, was incredibly confused to see a white haired student running towards him.

"It's Elvis!" yelled Otto.

His yell was so loud that other villainous students turned round, and joined him on his way to the stage.

"Elvis!"

Dr Nero was freaked out as the mass drew closer.

"Raven! Come in Raven!"

"Sorry Max, just finishing my coffee. What's up?" asked Raven.

"I'm being mobbed by new students who think I'm Elvis," Nero said.

Raven laughed.

"That's a first!"

"It's not funny!"

"OK, I'm on my way!"

Nero prepared to flee just as the mob drew closer. He fingered the Sleeper in his pocket. Just then, the figure of Raven appeared, swinging in on a zip line. Raven hurled a stun grenade up into the air. Otto's attention was diverted as the shiny grenade descended.

"Shiny!" he said, and leapt for the grenade...

**A/N: Hope you liked it! A poll is up for the pairings you want in here, it's on my profile.**

**NEXT UP: Will Otto's love of shiny things be his doom? And is Nero really Elvis? All this and more randomness coming soon in Chapter 3!**


	3. Hippy Institute Of Villainous Education

**Chapter 3: Hippy Institute Of Villainous Education and Evil Circle Time.**

**A/N: Don't ask.**

The grenade exploded with a huge, deafening explosion just as Otto dived for it. Fortunately for the albino, he totally missed it and fell to the floor. Raven stepped off the zip line and glared at the students.

"Back in the name of the anti-law!"

The students retreated backwards, scared of the crazy Russian woman advancing upon them.

"Let Dr Nero finish his speech, and maybe he'll do Jailhouse Rock," she offered.

The students were silent, and Nero began his speech.

"Yeah, so listen up new students! This is H.I.V.E, which stands for Highly Incredible Villains' Education, or Hippy Institute Of Villainous Education, or Hip Institute Of Villainous Education, or Higher Institute Of Villainous Education, that's what the bossman calls it. We are awesome here, mostly, and we're really evil. We'll just demonstrate how evil we are, by showing how evil the students are."

Nero brought a random boy to the stage.

"He stole the sweeties from the local newsagents!" proclaimed Nero.

Nero, oblivious to the strange looks being thrown his way, brought another student up.

"He put sharks in the kiddie pool!"

And so it went on, with Nero showing villainous exploits ranging from swapping the little kids' DVDs from Noddy to various horror films to hacking sound systems to play various horrible tunes all day.

"Now, we're going to share our villainous exploits!" proclaimed Nero," Strange kid with the spiky white hair, go first!"

Otto got up, cleared his throat, and began to speak.

"I made the PM do Gangnam Style and the Harlem Shake!" he proclaimed," Admittedly he was crap at them, but it had novelty value."

"Well done weird kid! Now choose someone else!" Nero said.

"Er, isn't this like Circle Time?" asked Otto.

"Yeah, well this is the villain nursery, isn't it?" asked Nero.

"No," said Otto," It's the villain high school."

"Oh," said Nero," Right. We'll abandon this then."

The assembled villains sighed in relief, and Otto fumed, since he was the only villain who'd had to suffer the indignity of Circle Time.

Just then, a strange woman with a rather weird hairstyle came in.

"It's a hippy!" yelled Otto.

"Excuse me?" said the woman," I am Contessa Hippinistre! Not hippy."

"Hang on, aren't you supposed to be called Sinistre or something?" asked Wing.

"I joined the hippies," replied the Contessa.

"But you just said-"

"Shut up, weird spiky haired kid!"

Otto immediately shut up.

"And you have mind control, somehow, which miraculously transfers itself to your granddaughter, who becomes the-"

"Shut up ninja! No breaking the fourth wall or spoilers!"

Wing was silent.

"Right, now we get our uniform! Peace out!" said the Contessa.

"Not hippy clothes, please not hippy clothes," Otto prayed, after the effects of the mind control wore off.

The Contessa kicked open the door.

"H.I.V.E mind, uniform protocol, man!"

A glowing blue wireframe head appeared. Everyone stepped back apart from Otto and a red haired girl, who were busy admiring H.I.V.E mind. H.I.V.E mind spoke.

"I have the uniforms, apart from one. Apparently there's a seriously fat kid, or a small whale in this class. Either way, he needs to cut down on the pies. Anyway, the workers are fusing uniforms together for him, so he'll get his uniform soon. Your uniforms are in there, I'm H.I.V.E mind, your resident DJ, and pretty much everything else, blah, blah, blah, etc."

"A whale?" Otto asked," 'Before' for Weightwatchers?"

"Ja," said the person in question.

"Oh, it's the stereotypical comic relief kid who's foreign and is being badly parodied by an incompetent author," Wing noted.

"Ninja, stop breaking the fourth wall and giving us spoilers!" Otto said," If you're going to see into the future, tell me the lottery numbers!"

"One, four, six, seven, two and forty two for today's H.I.V.E million pound lottery," reported Wing.

A lottery machine thingy magically appeared. Otto selected the numbers.

"You've just won one million pounds!" said a voice.

A cheque slid out.

"Sweet!" Otto exclaimed.

"Unfortunately, Mr Malpense, all money is worthless at H.I.V.E," said the voice.

"Aww, crap," said Otto.

The uniforms turned out to be just plain black, which went down almost as badly as hippy clothes would have. A blonde haired girl was the first to complain.

"These clothes aren't Hollister or Topshop! They suck!" she said.

"Peace girl," said the Contessa.

"Screw peace!" replied the blonde.

Otto poked Wing to get him to look, but there was no need. Wing was staring at the blonde, transfixed. Otto sighed, and prepared to watch Hippy Vs Valley Girl.

As it happened, Hippy Vs Valley Girl didn't last long.

"What's your name?" enquired the Contessa.

"Shelby Trinity," replied Shelby.

"OK, shut up and don't complain," ordered the Contessa.

"Mind control wins again," observed Otto as Shelby complied.

**A/N: NEXT: The deeper meaning of H.I.V.E is unveiled! And H.I.V.E's advertising campaign kicks off! All this and more in the wacky, completely unserious Chapter 4!**


	4. Chapter 4: HIVE Holidays

**Chapter 4: H.I.V.E Holidays and Sharks**

**A/N: I've been away, on holiday without Internet, and finishing my book, so I've not updated for a while. I'm back now, and you guys get three chapters, which I hope you enjoy! **

When the students were kitted out in the uniforms, they were led to an area with a huge screen. The Contessa pressed the button, and a commercial lit up the screen.

"Welcome to H.I.V.E," began the voice.

Shots of palm trees and golden beaches lit up the screen, followed by a shot of an azure blue swimming pool.

"We are dedicated to making this world worse - I mean better - so we - sorry, you - can live in luxury in our amazing H.I.V.E!" went on the voice.

"Your children will get a first class villainous education, unavailable anywhere else! When they come out they will become supervillains!"

Shots of grinning teenagers next to shark filled pools filled the screen.

"We also have the friendliest guards of any villainous school!"

Cut to guards smiling, even though they're holding nasty looking guns.

"They will provide Sleeper blasts free of charge so your kid gets a good night's sleep!"

Cut to a villain lying on a soft bed sucking his thumb and cuddling a teddy bear with an evil grin.

"Everything here is 100% evil!"

Cut to various shots, from teddies with evil grins painted on, to students, all grinning evilly.

"So come to H.I.V.E today!"

There was a final picture of H.I.V.E gleaming in the sun.

"Terms and conditions apply. H.I.V.E Holidays is not responsible for a painful death by shark pool, any death, injury or other things. Don't bother to contact us, by that time we'll be gone. There is no customer support."

The screen went dark, and the Contessa spoke up.

"Complaints?"

Otto spoke up.

"What the hell is a Sleeper? Is it shiny?" asked the albino.

"Hasta la viesta, crazy white haired kid!" ?"

The Contessa fired, and Otto dropped to the floor. She gave an evil laugh. Otto muttered something about shiny sharks. The class stared. Otto got up.

"That wasn't a nice sleep at all," said Otto," That sucked. And it wasn't shiny."

**A/N: It's not as funny this chapter, but it's a kind of filler chapter until we get into life at H.I.V.E. OK, Eaglistic out.**

**NEXT: How can Otto resist the Sleepers? And can the top villain count to two? Find out next chapter!**


	5. Chapter 5: Villainy Studies

**Chapter 5: Villainy Studies**

**A/N: Laura and Shelby are properly introduced here. They're slightly less insane than Otto and Wing, but are still wildly OOC and hopefully funny. Characters overall are slightly less insane in this chapter. There might be minor errors sticking to the book, but it is fairly accurate.**

The Contessa finally left them in Nero's hands, with one last 'Peace.' When the Contessa gave her report, Nero seemed to age a few years. He silently asked why he had to deal with this insane class, one of whom was special to Number One, although he could see the resemblance between Number One and the crazy white haired kid. Both lunatics, both supposedly genii, both with terrible hair and both Europe fans. Nero gave a sigh.

"OMG it's a vampire!" yelled Otto," The Cullens are coming!"

This sent the H.I.V.E students into states of panic, squealing, preparing stakes and various others. Nero facepalmed. Maybe he'd have to arrange an accident for Malpense. He swore as he remembered he couldn't do that, as he'd pinky promised upon Evil Scout's honour to protect Otto.

"Calm down, calm down. The Cullens aren't coming," said Nero," And I'm not a vampire."

Slowly, the H.I.V.E students began to calm down, and Nero led them to a classroom.

*Villainy Studies Class*

"Today we shall learn, because I like picking on bald kids who happen to be sons of my BFF super-villain, about Diabolus Victor Darkdoom. No, I don't know why either. So what do we know about DVD?" Nero began.

Otto and Nigel raised their hands.

"Crazy white haired kid," Nero said.

"I know! DVDs are video discs! You put movies on them!" Otto replied.

Nero facepalmed.

"Bald kid."

Nigel spoke up.

"He was my dad. And he'll magically reappear in a huge submarine-"

"No spoilers!" ordered Nero," Well, I'll have to tell you myself."

"DVD was a super villain, and sat at the G.L.O.V.E Council Of Awesomeness. But, one day, he committed the ultimate crime..."

Nero thought back to that day. The fury of the Bossman...

"He stole Number One's Learning To Count book, so Number One could never count to two. Then he ran, and we never saw him again, except via Skype."

The class stared at Nero, transfixed.

"Now, we'll do an A3 poster on DVD in fours. Crazy white haired kid, ninja, Scottish girl and Valley girl, you're Group One. Bald kid, fat whale/kid, stupid kid and stupid kid..."

Otto checked out the rest of his group. There was Ninja, the blonde girl who'd argued with the Contessa and the pretty redhead who'd been admiring H.I.V.E mind( or, as only Wing saw, sneaking glances at Otto). Otto came to a table which was labelled 'Group One.' He sat down, and awaited the rest of his group.

The redhead was first, followed by Ninja and the blonde, who were chatting. Otto gave an evil smile. Now to find out who his group members actually were...

"Who are you guys?" asked Otto," I'm Otto Malpense, the most crazy and awesome villain ever created. Well, crazy in badly written parodies-"

"No fourth wall breaking!" ordered Wing," I'm Wing Ninja Fanchu, the best ninja you'll ever meet, oh crap, Raven's coming."

A woman was advancing down the row, katanas drawn. She stopped at Wing.

"What did you say?" asked Raven," Never mind, I already know. Hasta la viesta! Time to test Ninja."

Wing nervously faced off against Raven.

"Everybody was kung fu fighting!" sang Otto.

Raven turned on him.

"Shut up," she said.

Otto actually did as she said.

"One chance," said Raven," Say 'Raven is totally awesome and the best ninja ever.'"

"Raven is totally awesome and the best ninja ever," said Wing.

Satisfied, Raven disappeared.

"Ha! I didn't cross my fingers!" Wing said.

Raven appeared again.

"OK! I did!"

Finally, Raven moved on, and Group One got on with their work.

"I'm Shelby Trinity, and I'm the best sweet shop stealer you'll ever see," said the blonde," I also like ninjas. Especially the handsome ones."

Otto silently recorded this using his phone. Blackmail, blackmail, the joys of blackmail.

"I'm Laura Brand," said the redhead," And I come from Scotland. I'll also end up being the main protagonist's love interest, at least we hope so. Team Ottra forever!"

Raven appeared again.

"No spoilers! I'm the spoiler police here!"

There were no more spoilers, and Group One tried to piece together exactly what Laura meant.

Team Ottra? wondered Otto. Not Ott as in Otto? Finally Otto managed to piece it together. Otto/Laura. But he kept silent. It would take a mind reader to prise that out of him...

Suddenly, as if summoned, a girl with long black hair appeared. Raven was almost as quick, however.

"You're not even supposed to enter until Dreadnought, Miss Dexter, where you slowly become the protagonist's love interest, and Team Ottra start to hate you until you , hey even I'm starting to give spoilers. Goodbye!"

Raven and the girl vanished, leaving Group One even more confused, and Laura looking slightly infuriated.

"That girl's going to end up being my enemy," said Laura.

"We could tell," said Shelby," But who's the main protagonist?"

"Otto," said Laura.

"Nah, no book would have a crazy white haired kid as the main character-"

"He's only crazy in badly written parodies-"

"Shut up, Laura, he's still crazy," said Shelby.

"I think Otto will be, because he'll turn out to be the effective son of an evil AI," said Wing.

"Wing, what are you on? Because I want some," said Otto.

"Skittles!" said Wing.

He threw a pack to Otto, who began to munch*.

Laura started to stick the picture of Diabolus down. Shelby had drawn a smiley face upon it, observed the redhead. Typical Shelby.

Meanwhile, Otto had finished the Skittles. He, fuelled by the Skitfles, decided to go and help. Otto noticed that they were running out of glue and other essentials. Not to worry, thought Otto. Time to steal some.

"Oh my god it's a tarantula!" yelled Otto.

The H.I.V.E students(excluding Group One) were sent into panic as Otto dropped a robotic tarantula on the floor.

"I need your equipment to kill it!" said Otto.

He appropriated a trolley and began to fill it. Five minutes later, he returned to Group One with an incredibly full trolley.

"Time to get painting!" Otto said.

Thirty Minutes Later

Nigel had fainted when Group One presented their work. Diabolus had a DVD for a head(Otto), a smiley face(Shelby), a ninja outfit(Wing) and a Team Ottra t-shirt(Otto and Laura). He also had a few katana marks( Raven). Unfortunately for Nero, all the other pieces had met various ends. Destruction by robotic tarantula(Otto), 'accidental' computer explosion(Laura), being stolen and ripped up(Shelby), being slashed(Wing), being melted( H.I.V.E mind, accidentally) and being vaporised( Raven, accidentally). Nero awarded the prize, a king-size bag of Skittles, with the sense of a man signing his own death warrant. He dismissed the group. Let Colonel San Francisco deal with them.

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! Laura and Shelby will be slightly less insane than Otto and Wing. The next update will take a while because I'm going to write one humour story about H.I.V.E getting a talent show, and possibly a range of updates for my other ongoing projects. There'll also be a new story which will be serious, but more to follow on that**.

*Yes, that's how Otto became addicted to Skittles.


	6. Chapter 6: Fake Tales Of San Francisco

**Chapter Six: Fake Tales Of San Francisco**

**A/N: If anybody knows where the title came from, the next chapter will be dedicated to them, and I'll be impressed.**

"Another lot of miserable maggots," said the huge man," Typical Alphas."

Otto pouted.

"That's not very nice!" he replied.

"Shut up, crazy kid with the terrible hair!" boomed the huge man.

"Hey! I'm very insensitive about my appearance!" said Otto.

The huge man bent down.

"I'm Colonel Francisco, and I like to throw crazy white haired people to sharks!" he threatened.

"Inflatable sharks," Wing said, using his ninja-future-viewing.

"Damn it ninja!" said the Colonel," No future seeing!"

"OK, maggots, today we're going to learn how to use a grappler. A grappler is useful for when you get chased by someone and need to escape. You are going to use the grappler to get across that chasm," said the Colonel.

"Ohhhkayyy," said the class.

"Er, scary dude, isn't this dangerous?" asked Franz.

"Do I look like somebody who'd place you in a dangerous situation?" growled the Colonel.

"Ja," replied Franz.

"Wrong answer! You get to go first!" replied the Colonel.

The Colonel gave a demonstration which was very impressive for some of the assembled crowd. Then Franz nervously stepped up and jumped off.

There was a nasty snap, and the rope split. Franz plummeted to the water, creating a huge splash which soaked some near the edge. This was rather more impressive.

After Franz had been winched out, the Colonel pointed at Shelby.

She dived off the edge and pulled off a flawless crossing. This was the most impressive yet.

"How did you do that?" enquired the Colonel.

"Stealing from sweetshops," replied Shelby.

Next, Otto leapt off the platform singing.

"I'm on the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge the edge the edge! And I'm hanging on a grappler with you!"

The crazy albino shot up, still singing.

"Baby you're a fireeworkkk! Come and let your colours burst! Cause I can go up, up! To the Colonel at the top, top!"

The albino eventually landed, still singing. Wing was next, and swung across easily.

"Definitely watching Shelby, hey Wing?" Otto grinned.

Wing blushed.

"A ninja is silent when he wants to be silent," he replied.

"With a few exceptions, you've all done crap. Get lost," the Colonel said.

"That's nice!" replied Otto

Their next lesson was taught by a tiger.

"Holy guacamole!" Otto exclaimed.

"Aren't you supposed to be a fluffy white cat?" said Wing.

"I evolved," replied the tiger.

It was a small tiger, but nonetheless a scary one.

"Settle down," said the tiger," We haven't got much time."

"Ain't nobody got time for that! Ain't nobody got time, ain't nobody got time, ain't nobody got time for that!" sang Otto.

Wisely, the tiger ignored the strange albino.

"This is Stealth and Evasion-"

"This is SPARTA!" shouted Otto," Tonight, Spartans, we dine in HELL!"

The tiger sighed. It was going to be a long Stealth and Evasion class.

**A/N: Next up! SEVEN: The cat's out of the bag in Stealth and Evasion! And lunch time isn't fun time at H.I.V.E! All this and more in the next installment of H.I.V.E - The Parody!**


End file.
